Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
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The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there