[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
You Might Also Like
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.