Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
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[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
The struggle is real.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Owl Sanctuary
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.