Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
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Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Is….Is this an option?
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already