My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.