Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
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The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
this is me
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.