Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
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If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”