Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
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*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag