“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
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one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Spring cleaning checklist…
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.