Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
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Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Great acting.. 😂
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.