Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
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Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]