13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
You Might Also Like
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?