He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
You Might Also Like
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.