It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
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I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.