Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
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Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
huge if true: the moon
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream