This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
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american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
the only organized thing in my life is crime
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Just a phase…
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.