i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
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I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok