You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
You Might Also Like
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!