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Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
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ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”