What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
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Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis