wtf management?!
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me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
There is no try. There is only give up.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters