Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
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My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.