friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
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Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Oh yeah that’s it
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I feel seen
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.