You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
You Might Also Like
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
that’s really how it is
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Breaking news:
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son