‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
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How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
he was correct
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.