ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
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Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
This 4th of July, please remember…
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference