The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
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Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Cats are still liquid.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt