*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
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[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new