Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
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*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband