[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
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My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg