I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
You Might Also Like
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.