Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
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Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents