But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
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The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own