[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
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Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying