I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
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Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
There’s never enough good news
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”