If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
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I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Spell check is for lasers.