Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
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Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.