ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
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Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Hmmmmm
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Baller is short for ballerina
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.