GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
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I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Found my door mat
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire