The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
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I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Spider-cat: No One Home
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Butt weight. There’s more!
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?