my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
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yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
describing stardew valley
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home