Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
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[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
The game has officially changed 😎
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.