BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
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YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.