ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
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Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
🤣🤣🤣🤣
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.