The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
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Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
My apartment is a mess, I should move
what kind of cook setting is this??
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.