Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
You Might Also Like
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.