1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
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[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.