You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
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Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.