Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
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You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Do not levitate over flowers
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead