Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
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imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Nice try, poison.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.